It's been a while since I last posted an entry guys. I hope all of you lovelies are doing well in life and are doing fine. I can't seem to find another reason to explain why have I been gone all these months except the usual excuses - school, work and life but I hope I will be able to update and relive this dead space more frequently.
It's late at night and I can't sleep so I decided to put some of my thoughts about friendship into words and hopefully, I will have the courage to upload this in the next day after reading through umpteen times to make sure that my words make some sense and that my thoughts have been accurately conveyed into words.
These are one of the days that strike me so hard and make me felt so strange that I don't talk to you anymore. These are one of the days where something reminds me of you but I wouldn't want to whatsapp you because of all these time that has passed without your presence, talking to you now will make me feel so awkward and strange and a part of me constantly tells myself that you probably wouldn't give two fucks.
Who would have seen that coming? I know at least for myself, not me. That person who used to always look out for me, who used to always laugh together with me and who used to be just 8 numbers away. It sucks because I know to you, I'm not that person anymore and neither are you that person to me anymore.
Your life and the mention of your name seems so foreign to me right now. It used to be "hey, where's ____?" and I would reply with "Oh, she's at _____, she's doing _____" but now it is just "i don't know, i haven't heard of her for a while." I no longer know a single shit about what you're doing with life or what have you been dealing with. But I guess, that's life. I wish things were different but life happens, shit happens. We are all in this pathetic life where nothing is constant and no one will ever owes you anything to account for the lost time and lost friendship.
Sometimes, I still scroll through pictures of us and smiled. Sometimes, I still read through the handwritten letters from you and still think about the good old days where we would always tell each other "it's us against the world". Now, I am still trying to see you and to keep you as one of my cherished memories.
But in a way, I'm matured enough to know that we can't keep everyone in our lives for as long as we would love to. I know that life has different plans for us and as time passes, we won't be able to stick the plans we have for each other when we were young - such as taking up the same course of study in same polytechnic. Everyone chooses their path in life and now, I guess the decisions of the path in your life is no longer intertwined with mine.
I have came to the realisation that as we age, we tend to lose friends in one way or another. There won't be any concrete and substantial explanations for the disappearance of these friends other than the growing and maturing pains into the emerging adulthood years. They disappear and lose touch with you as if they were some hair pins or rubber bands and it's never like you will be able to understand the reason behind it.
And even though our lives don't overlap with each other anymore, I would want to thank you - for being (once) my best friend and dealing with all the negative influences I am as your friend, for accepting me for me, as cliche as it sounds, for being genuinely happy for my successes and sad for my down times and for not letting other's judgements to affect and influence the way you think of how I am as a person.
Even though we are no longer friends, I just want you to know that I have never blamed you or hated you. Trust me when I said I have tried to hate you because I thought it will be an easier way out to move on from the lost friendship but after a while, I realised how wrong I was to think of such stupid way and how much I was trying to deceive myself and others that I was over you, over us.
When I heard updates about you from our mutual friends, although I was affected by the fact that I was no longer updated with your life and I now have to rely on friends to know about you, I hope that you are doing amazing things in your life and being the happy jiggly-puff and blur-sotong that you were born to be.
I hope you're as proud of your achievements as I am for you, because I'm sure you have had a fair share of struggles and tough choices to make. I will always view your snapchat videos and keep a look out on whether you have uploaded a new instagram picture to make sure that you're doing fine because there are just some things in life that never change. Just know that even though I don't go up to you or look into your direction or face the next time I see you, I will still be grateful for the fact that our lives once intertwined.
I hope you're happy.
Sending you some love,
from the one you left behind,
me.
Till next time,
📷 instagram: @minhuikoh
🐯 twitter: @minhuikoh
🌼 ask.fm/heyitsminmin
🎥 youtube channel: MinhuiKoh
💌 minhuikk@gmail.com
